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Breaking the Cycle of Domestic Violence

KNOW THE FACTS


What is Domestic Violence?

Domestic violence - also called spouse abuse, family violence, battering, and wife beating - is abusive and violent behavior between people who are married or living together, or who have an ongoing or prior intimate relationship or couples who have children in common. Men can be victims of domestic violence, although approximately ninety-five percent of the victims of domestic violence are women.

The abuse can be physical, ranging from slaps and kicks to punching and stabbing; or psychological, including threats or verbal abuse that make a person fear for her/his safety.

Getting Help: Safety Planning

If you are still in the relationship:

1. Think of a safe place to go if an argument occurs - avoid rooms with no exits (bathroom), or rooms with weapons (kitchen).
2. Think about and make a list of safe people to contact.
3. Keep change with you at all times.
4. Memorize all important numbers.
5. Establish a "code word or sign" so that family, friends, teachers or co-workers know when to call for help.
6. Think about what you will say to your partner if he\she becomes violent.
7. Remember you have the right to live without fear and violence.

If you have left the relationship:

1. Change your phone number.
2. Screen calls.
3. Save and document all contacts, messages, injuries or other incidents involving the batterer.
4. Change locks, if the batterer has a key.
5. Avoid staying alone.
6. Plan how to get away if confronted by an abusive partner.
7. If you have to meet your partner, do it in a public place.
8. Vary your routine.
9. Notify school and work contacts.
10. Call a shelter for battered women.

If you leave the relationship or are thinking of leaving, you should take important papers and documents with you to enable you to apply for benefits or take legal action. Important papers you should take include social security cards and birth certificates for you and your children, your marriage license, leases or deeds in your name or both yours and your partner's names, your checkbook, your charge cards, bank statements and charge account statements, insurance policies, proof of income for you and your spouse (pay stubs or W-2's), and any documentation of past incidents of abuse (photos, police reports, medical records, etc.)

What is a Safety Plan?

Every individual in an abusive relationship needs a safety plan. The District of Columbia Coalition Against Domestic Violence has published wallet-sized card that gives names and phone numbers of shelters, legal services, and support groups, and lists basic elements of a safety plan. (The number is listed in the back.) Shelters and crisis counselors have been urging safety plans for years, police departments, victim services, hospitals, and courts have adopted this strategy. Safety plans should be individualized - for example, taking account of age, marital status, whether children are involved, geographic location, and resources available - but still contain common elements.

When creating a safety plan:

• Think about all possible escape routes. Doors, first-floor windows, basement exits, elevators, stairwells. Rehearse if possible.
• Choose a place to go. To the home of a friend or relative who will offer unconditional support, or a motel, or hotel, or a shelter- most importantly somewhere you will feel safe.
• Pack a survival kit. Money for cab fare, a change of clothes, extra house and car keys, birth certificates, passports, medications, and copies of prescriptions, insurance information, checkbook credit cards, legal documents such as separation agreements and protection orders, address books, and valuable jewelry, and papers that show jointly owned assets. Conceal it in the home or leave it with a trusted neighbor, friend, or relative. Important papers can also be left in a bank deposit box.
• Try to start an individual savings account. Have statements sent to a trusted relative or friend.
• Avoid arguments with the abuser in areas with potential weapons. Kitchen, garage, or in small spaces without an outside door.
• Know the telephone number of the domestic violence hot-line. Contact it for information on resources and legal rights.
• Review the safety plan monthly.

Adapted from: "Preventing Domestic Violence" by Laura Crites in Prevention Communique, March 1992, Crime Prevention Division, Department of the Attorney General, Hawaii.

Characteristics of Safe and Healthy Relationships

PARTNERSHIPS

• Joint decision making
• Shared responsibilities

ECONOMIC EQUALITY

• Freedom to decide issues of work, school and money

EMOTIONAL HONESTY

• Feel safe to admit and share fears and insecurities

SEXUAL RESPECT

• Accept that "no" means "no"

PHYSICAL SAFETY

• Respect partner's physical space
• Express self nonviolently

SUPPORTIVE, TRUSTING

• Listen and understand
• Value partner's opinions

RESPECTFUL

• Respect right to differing feelings, friend and activities
• Support partner's goals

Characteristics of Abusive Relationships

DOMINATION

• Abuser decides
• Servant/master

ECONOMIC CONTROL

• Deny job freedom
• Withhold money

EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION

• Use jealousy, passion, stress and frustration to justify actions

SEXUAL ABUSE

• Force partner to do things against his/her will

PHYSICAL ABUSE

• Hit, choke, kick, pinch, pull hair, poke, twist arms, trip, bite, restrain, use weapons

CONTROLLING

• Name calling, mind games
• Isolate partner from friends, loved ones

INTIMIDATING

• Charming in public, menacing in private
• Destroying property or pets
• Making light of abuse: "You're too sensitive"
  

What Can I Do?

If You Are the Victim of Violence

• Begin to think about how you can plan for your own safety and happiness. Waiting for abusers to change and trying harder to please them will not work.
• Find out what resources are available in your area for victims of partner abuse. A good place to start is your state or county department of social services. At a safe time, when the abuser is not around, call a local battered women's shelter or domestic violence hotline. Tell them what has happened; ask them what your choices are to protect yourself and to end the violence. Think about the answers to your questions and call again if you need to know more.
• If you are considering leaving your abuser, make safety plans before you talk about separation. Discuss the abuser's pattern of violence with someone at a shelter or crisis line and think about what risks there might be if you talk about leaving. Try to keep enough money in a protected place to use when you need it to get to safety. Some victims find it best to go to a shelter where they can be safe before they tell the abuser that they are leaving.
• If you can do this safely, encourage the abuser to go to a group for batterers. There are now many such groups for men who batter their partners. Some large cities also have groups for gay men and lesbians who batter their partners and for people from particular ethnic or religious groups. In such a group, batterers can get help from experts specially trained to treat abusive behavior and may learn to change their beliefs and behaviors. You still may need to live apart from the batterer while that person is in the group. Changing patterns of violence can take a long time.
• If you think you are in immediate danger, you probably are. You are the expert at sensing when things are getting really bad. Flee at once to a safe location or call the police if you can. When police arrive, ask what legal protection is available to you, and use whatever you need to be sure you are safe. Don't let the police leave you alone with the abuser once they've arrived. Be sure that the doctor or nurse makes a record of your injuries and notes that those injuries were the result of an assault, not falling down stairs or bumping into a door.

If You Are an Abuser:

• Get help to end your violent behavior. Hurting the people you love will cost you their trust and respect as well as your own self-respect. You may lose your loved ones permanently. No one likes to be violent or to get hurt.
• Realize that you can change. Others have gone through this and found ways to stop their violent behavior. Their lives and relationships with those they love have gotten better. Call a state or local domestic violence hotline (you don't have to give your name to get information) and ask for referrals to a batterer's group or to expert therapists in your area. Be honest with the people running the group or with an individual therapist about your history of violence. Tell the leader or therapist that your violent behaviors are the ones you want to change. Don't wait until a judge requires you to go to treatment.

If You Are a Friend or Family Member:

• You can do something. Encourage the victim to get to safety and help keep that person safe. Confront the abuser, if you can do it safely (you may want to have someone else with you when you do this). Don't accept excuses for violence from people you love.
• Call police, if the victim cannot. Sometimes this can help stop or reduce the violence.

Resources:

• National Resource Center on Domestic Violence (800) 537-2238
• Battered Women's Justice Project (800) 903-0111
• Health Resource Center on Domestic Violence (800) 313-1310
• Resource Center on Child Protection/Custody (800) 527-3223.
• HUD Headquarters Employee Assistance Program (202) 708-0523
• National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1 -800-787-3224 (TDD)
• Maryland Network Against Domestic Violence 301 -942-0900